Three semesters away from graduation with a bachelor's degree and I find I am torn.  When I first entered the major I thought I knew what I wanted to do.  Now I find I am undecided--not that it really influences the final career goal a lot.  There are several different master's degrees I can obtain that would allow me to work in a therapeutic role.  Ah, but which master's degree should I go for? Big questions, indecision.  Now I find I am torn when I really should be decided on what graduate degree to shoot for.

Life is never easy. 

Just a few sprinkles in the night, enough to make the roads a bit slippery in places and decorate the area beside the road.  At this point though I think we have to take what we can get in order to get that Christmasy feel, don't you think?

Enough drivel, gotta study for finals!

I found this neat fairy name generator.  

You should try it! Can't wait to see what Conner and Dragona's fairy names are.

For the past few days I have found myself sliding into a depression--I cry too much, could care less if I eat or drink, or if I'm even around people.  Not many people care, and fewer still ask why.  I have tried to talk to family and friends only to be brushed off.  It's come down to why bother again and that sucks like no one will ever know.  There are reasons for my deep depression.  The first is that my father passed away nearly two years ago right before Christmas.  It was a very traumatic event, one that has so many painful facets that I don't know if I could ever truly write them all down.  So that day is fast approaching.  It doesn't even feel like Christmas.  As a mother and wife I find myself wondering why I can't enjoy one of the holidays I used to enjoy so much, why I can't enjoy it with my family.  I guess that's one reason.

Add to all that the possibility of another layoff or very drastic cuts in his hourly work week for my husband and I guess it makes more sense.  I've applied for jobs and still have not heard anything.  If you've ever heard that old saying "Don't even have a pot to piss in," that would pretty well sum up how things are with us right now.  The only reason I have internet is because it's something paid for 6 months at a time in advance for school.  

To make matters even worse I'm very seriously considering resigning from the mud I work for now.  Things have stagnated.  No coding is accomplished and very little building is accomplished. The mud has been in "development" for seven years.  How many more years before it ever sees players? I don't think that will happen. I quite frankly think I'm donating my building to a mud that will (yet again) never see the light of day.  And that sucks.  That's one of the main reasons I stopped building so long ago.  Slacker admins, newbie coders, and muds that disappear in the midst of the night with MY hard work.  I don't think it's too much to know if, when, will? it open.  But no one seems very forthcoming.  Building help is nonexistent as well. I don't demand a lot of help, but progs are one of the areas I still struggle with. I can't seem to get an answer for the life of me.  So screw it.  I hate to be so negative but I'm not bleeding anymore over this. It's done and over. Time to forget it and move on, don't you think?

So I find myself coming here to purge my soul, heart, and mind.   There are a few of you that maybe will read and care, maybe write a few comforting words.  A few will read and gloat, spit upon my grave of depression.  I could really care less. I think it's time to go get in the shower so I can cry and no one will hear me or know I've been crying.  

Toodles. 

After a pretty bad week things are looking better. I really appreciate Conner, Darwin, and others who have offered support and a kind word during this time.  It really does mean a lot.  The sun came out today, not just in the sky, but in my heart.  I feel like things are going to be ok.  I spent some time with my family this weekend. We went shopping, ate dinner, and then went to see Christmas lights. My darling nephew, such a special toddler, made the lights more special than they could've been otherwise I think.  Those things always brings a smile to my face. 

 So now I'm tackling some new things.  I've gotten a shell to see how badly I can mangle some mud code.  I've started working on cascading style sheets for my web page. And I've actually decided to take a slight breather from the mud for a bit.  I am also going to learn how to play Parcheesi, and improve my Mancala skills. I think I have almost figured out Mancala!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone! 

I have to admit I've found some wonderful people through mudding.  I don't get to visit Conner's mud as much as I'd like. He and Dragona are just wonderful people. Darwin, Davion, Samson and Paradigm: You all are awesome people.  I appreciate the words of kindness and encouragement.  It means the world to me.  

I'm taking a brief break from building so much.  The area that I have planned (a gnome laboratory) is at the 100 room mark right now, and I haven't even completed the laboratory itself.  I did, however, manage to get most of Conner's enchanted garden idea completed.  Just a few more progs to give some interactivity and I think that part will be complete.  The gnome laboratory will be a higher level area, probably 75 to 100.  Believe me, the players will need all the skill they have in order to get through this area.  Puzzles, lots of mini-quests, and never the same thing twice.  Can you tell how much I love building?

As for the depression I found myself sliding into a week or so ago, it's been coming on for some time.  But when you have a family and other obligations you keep putting things on the back burner.  That's the way some people are, and I know I'm one of them.  Things are looking ok right now. And I keep telling myself we are luckier than half the people in this world.  We have a roof over our heads, food on the table, and we're warm at night.  I think about the homeless this winter.  Some of them won't make it because they have nowhere to go, nothing to eat, and no one to care for them.  Sometimes you just have to slap yourself out of depression or feeling sorry for yourself. I know I can't forget what makes this holiday season sad, but at the same time, I need to remind myself why I'm luckier than a lot of others.   

Now that my kid is out of school I plan on doing a lot more with CSS and actually trying to learn to code some.  I have the big C book and a shell.  So far no luck with the code though. QuickMUD refuses to compile without errors. I've tried various versions.  So now I'm off to give tbaMUD a try.  Who knows what will happen? I think I do need to drag out that linux manual I had here at one time. 

CSS is going well. I'm actually delving into the advanced section of w3schools tutorial on CSS.  I was amazed at how much information this site had on a variety of programming languages.  I don't know if I'll manage anything great yet, but who knows what it might do? Keep a few ole brain cells from turning to mush if nothing else!

Merry Christmas to you all. I know I haven't been by to post in a few days, but that's why I'm here now.  And I have almost three weeks to do nothing at all but enjoy myself, sleep, and relax! How cool is that? 

After posting on Mudbytes requesting some advice on finding inspiration, I actually got some great ideas for areas from Samson and Conner.  I've begun work on a gnome laboratory (courtesy of Samson).  A part of the gnome laboratory is an enchanted garden (courtesy of Conner).  Thought I'd post a few of the progs I've added for interactivity. I'm only at the 100 room mark right now, so there will be a lot more. Also keep in mind that I haven't even started the main part of the laboratory.

These are for the enchanted garden (not all inclusive, but a good idea of what's going on):  http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dc92q23d_21jbv72zd3 

http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dc92q23d_22drsmxncq 

In order to get to the great horned owl, a mob that has the Spectacles of Far Seeing and a key the players need:

http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dc92q23d_2f5xgdqfr

And for the great horned owl itself:

http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dc92q23d_16dsccn7gh 

Not the greatest stuff, mind you, but it does what I need it to.  I wouldn't consider myself an ace at progs. I struggle with them at times because I think I get too complicated when there is no need to be complicated.   

Let me know what you think?

I guess everyone has found themselves in a job or other situation where it's misery. You know the job doesn't fit you, and you hang in hoping things will change.  I've found myself there a couple times as well.  Hang in there, hope it gets better, and continue to come to work every day miserable.  I've even had jobs that were so stressful I'd get a headache or heartburn before going TO work.  I promised myself I would not let things get to this point again yet I find myself there.

One of the professors I had this past semester advised us to self-evaluate on a regular basis. Look inward, see where we are, what we need to work on, and know when it's time to move on if we're working or volunteering.  I hate to leave a project or job, but sometimes I think it's for the best. If you're miserable and hate it, it's time to go because it does no one any good.  

Now for the how. I've read all those articles on how to leave gracefully. But since this is a volunteer position I'm wondering if maybe just leaving and not coming back wouldn't be the best way to proceed. I've tried voicing my concerns on several occasions to people higher up the food chain but they seem oblivious to any problems.  I am not the only person to notice either. At least six others--maybe more--have seen the same thing and don't waste their time there anymore.  

When to say when, when to stop buying tums and pepto bismol.  Heh nothing in life is ever easy is it?