For the past few days I have found myself sliding into a depression--I cry too much, could care less if I eat or drink, or if I'm even around people. Not many people care, and fewer still ask why. I have tried to talk to family and friends only to be brushed off. It's come down to why bother again and that sucks like no one will ever know. There are reasons for my deep depression. The first is that my father passed away nearly two years ago right before Christmas. It was a very traumatic event, one that has so many painful facets that I don't know if I could ever truly write them all down. So that day is fast approaching. It doesn't even feel like Christmas. As a mother and wife I find myself wondering why I can't enjoy one of the holidays I used to enjoy so much, why I can't enjoy it with my family. I guess that's one reason.
Add to all that the possibility of another layoff or very drastic cuts in his hourly work week for my husband and I guess it makes more sense. I've applied for jobs and still have not heard anything. If you've ever heard that old saying "Don't even have a pot to piss in," that would pretty well sum up how things are with us right now. The only reason I have internet is because it's something paid for 6 months at a time in advance for school.
To make matters even worse I'm very seriously considering resigning from the mud I work for now. Things have stagnated. No coding is accomplished and very little building is accomplished. The mud has been in "development" for seven years. How many more years before it ever sees players? I don't think that will happen. I quite frankly think I'm donating my building to a mud that will (yet again) never see the light of day. And that sucks. That's one of the main reasons I stopped building so long ago. Slacker admins, newbie coders, and muds that disappear in the midst of the night with MY hard work. I don't think it's too much to know if, when, will? it open. But no one seems very forthcoming. Building help is nonexistent as well. I don't demand a lot of help, but progs are one of the areas I still struggle with. I can't seem to get an answer for the life of me. So screw it. I hate to be so negative but I'm not bleeding anymore over this. It's done and over. Time to forget it and move on, don't you think?
So I find myself coming here to purge my soul, heart, and mind. There are a few of you that maybe will read and care, maybe write a few comforting words. A few will read and gloat, spit upon my grave of depression. I could really care less. I think it's time to go get in the shower so I can cry and no one will hear me or know I've been crying.
Toodles.
Comments
Sounds like this isn't exactly a very festive season for you, if there's anything Dragona and I can do to help you get through it, please let us know.
Hopefully things will improve for your husband and/or you'll find a great job. I know it's not much consolation, but there really are folks who are even worse off. At the very least, despite what the government and certain friends of ours would like to believe (and have us believe) there are lots of us who are unemployed and not finding anything out there regardless of measures taken toward that end. Even the government admits that inflation is at a two year high currently, and things are getting worse in other areas/aspects of our lives too, but there is always hope still. Don't give up, things have a way of working themselves out.
Enjoy your shower, get a good cry in, and then go spend some time with your kids and let them make you feel good again, 'k? :)
Thanks, Conner. As always you and Dragona are wonderful people. The depression is a bit better this morning though the sadness is still pretty heavy. I'm hoping to go mud hopping later on to just have some darned fun. I don't do that enough lately!
There is always someone out there who is worse off. I realize that. It's difficult to look beyond that circle of depression though when it tightens. Just a lot of stuff, and I do mean a lot, of stuff at one time. Funny how that happens isn't it? I wonder if the government will ever wake up to what is really going on in our country? So many homeless, unemployed, and even hungry people in our own country. Don't even get me started on health insurance and health care. :P
Now I think I'm going to go eat breakfast with my family and play mancala. I so love that game, and it's SO simple!
*hugs* Merry Christmast to you, Dragona, and the kids :)
That's truely sad to hear about your father passing away around such a joyous holiday. It does spoil things. But really, would your dad really want to be remembered as the man who killed your christmas joy? You should think about his memories and celebrate the life he lived.
As for the MUD, I think the question should be "am I having fun" because in the end that's all it's about. People should play, code, and build only if it's fun. I've laid out thousands and thousands of lines of code that no one will ever see, or experience, why? For fun. Also tied into that is the escape from life thing... :P.
Well, I don't know if we're truly wonderful people, but we all do what we can. :)
Yes. it can be very hard to see beyond the trees to the overview of the forest at times, but sometimes it does help a bit to be reminded. Well, they say things tend to happen in threes. I doubt that our government will, they rarely have time for such vagueries as reality. ;)
Enjoy your meal and your game. :)
Thanks, likewise back at you, though we've already concluded our Channukah festivities for the year here. ;)
Davion, you raise a good point regarding the mud. If it's no longer providing you with entertainment and enjoyment, is it still worth it? What if you're sure the lack is temporary?
You know, Davion, you're right. My dad loved Christmas, family get-togethers and good food. That very same thought crossed my mind tonight as I sat in the car waiting for my mom and other family members to complete some last-minute shopping. My dad would NOT want us to be depressed and down. I can take comfort in knowing that he is no longer suffering with the horrible pain and side effects from cancer. And that brings me joy. That might sound wierd or sick, but if you'd seen his pain and suffering you'd understand. Christmas isn't what it used to be, it's too commercialized now. But after shopping and having dinner we all went to this local attraction where there are tons and tons of lights. It's actually a church camp. And it is beyond beautiful! Cabins set back in the forest with lights everywhere. They serve hot chocolate and there is no charge, just donate if you'd like. We always do because it's such a beautiful thing to viist. So when we went, my sister let us take her son, a two-year old that is beyond special. He sat on my mom's lap and cried out "Snowman! Copter plane! Cycle! Pretty lights!" during the entire time we went around the circuit (three times mind you :P). Now how can you not be happy to hear the pure unadulterated joy of a child to see something as simple as Christmas decorations?
So yeah, it's been a rough few days. I've shed more than my fair share of tears. It's going to be hard to get past this but I know I can. We had a lot of good times with dad I try to remember those times because I know he wouldn't want us to be so sad. The stories I could tell you!
I also think it's time to take a break from the mud. See how things go because it isn't much fun anymore. I don't ask for a lot of help with things but when I need help, darn it, I need help! But yeah, time to take a break, do what's fun for me and the family and just see where life leads me.
I do have a lot to be thankful for. I have a great husband and child who bring me constant joy. A bunch of dogs that just love me for who I am, no matter what. Unadulterated love, we need more of that don't we? I'm three semesters from my bachelor's degree and found out I made a 4.0 this semester in 3/4 classes, the other is an A- so I'm not sure where that goes on the scale. Something will turn up, it always does. Things happen for a reason and trials just make us stronger, don't you think?
Bleh I talk too much when I'm in that "thoughtful" kind of mood, don't I?
Thanks to you all for commenting. It really does mean a lot and it has brought a smile to my face. They like me, they really really like me!